Changes!

It's that time of years when we all look back on what we've done and think about any resolutions we want to make for the following year. I was going to do a month by month look back over the year and I did start to write it but each month seemed to feature heavily with my new relationship. So basically I'm just going to give a recap of how my life has changed in the last 12 months.

My life this time last year was massively different to how it is now. The beginning of last year brought about one of the hardest decisions I have ever made – I broke up with my husband. I didn't hate him, I still don’t but I am 100% happier now than I was. He's a good guy, just not the guy for me. Almost immediately I met someone else, I already knew him. He's my boss, I can honestly say I never once saw him as anything other than my boss and a nice guy. I'm not going to go into all the details of how we got together, basically I blurted out my marriage problems to him and it went from there. We talked and talked and now almost a year later we are still together.

Without a doubt S is the BEST thing to happen to me in 2012 – every day I swear I love him more. We've tackled telling the exes, telling our directors. We've been on a big family holiday with all four of our kids and we've been away for a long weekend just the two of us. It's all been pretty perfect. We are quite similar, although completely different at the same time. He makes me more confident and helps to stop me stressing when I get on my high horse about things. We conclude that we make a good team and our similar approach to parenting definitely helps. He's sweet and caring and makes me feel incredibly loved.  He does things like post a present through my door (which he schemed with my friend about) and writes me messages in pasta.

A moved out in April (I think – possibly May), we'd been split up for a while and it got increasingly harder being in the same house. It was a huge relief when he finally moved, but at the same time it was incredibly scary. I worried about the finances and just living alone. I'm not alone I have my boys, but it’s the first time I haven’t lived with another adult. I have survived, granted I have had my dad round to unblock my bath. S over to go into my loft and A to fix my curtain pole. I have done lots myself though, I decorated my whole kitchen alone. I never used to cook previously, but I haven't killed anyone yet and actually I can cook. It's been good for me to have my independence.

My boys turned two and three and are growing into such amazing little boys. Since going to preschool J has gained in confidence and is less shy around people, his memory and ability to learn new things amazes me daily. R is a cheeky little monkey, who could get away with murder with his cheeky little smile. He's a complete little chatter box and his imagination is amazing He's so different to J at that age, who was quiet and barely spoke at all. They are the best of friends but can fight like cat and dog, but will always stick up for each other. I love them so bloody much!

Family Holiday

Well some of you may know, I went on holiday for six nights with S and all our children. It was something that was discussed greatly with everyone that it would affect before we made the decision. Right up until the moment we left I was nervous – it was a big step. The longest the six of us have ever spent together is a day. I have never slept over at S's house when he has his kids, so it was going to be completely new and different for all of us.

Lots could have gone wrong but it didn't. Everything went better than either of us could have expected, we didn't really do anything exciting we were all just more than happy having a wander together. The children behaved brilliantly (90% of the time), they all got on and played lovely together. Especially 3year old and 5 year old – they got on great and it was lovely to watch them together, playing and sharing.

Myself and S – well everything so far in our relationship has gone smoothly, we've never fought or argued yet. I've had a small strop at him but it lasted all of ten minutes. We knew this holiday was going to be a big test, being together 24 hours a day for 7 days. It's hard to spend that much time with anyone without them getting on your nerves. Especially for me, as I am easily annoyed by people in general. We never fell out, we never had a cross word – everything was perfect.

The thought of spending a week with four children was a daunting prospect – even more so because two of them are not my children. We were under no illusions that it was going to be easy but strangely it was. I found it easier the six of us than I do at times with just me and my two alone. It wasn't hard work and it didn't feel like an extra effort. Myself and S worked together brilliantly, we seem to make a very good team. Parenting in a similar way to, which meant the children knew exactly where they stood with us which in turn made it easier for everyone.  

In conclusion we have both said we would do it again!

Since returning on Friday I have spent Friday and Saturday evening with S as neither of us had our children. Tonight is the first night in 8 nights that I will be away from him and I hate it. I miss him even more than I thought I would. It's back to our Tuesday evenings and every other Friday. One night a week just doesn’t feel enough any more – but there is nothing I can do about that and it's probably going to be this way for a very very long time. I will just have to try and get used to it again.

Romance

Romance is a funny old thing isn't it? Every girl likes a bit of romance right? Well I know I do. It doesn't have to be huge romantic gestures like roof top, candle lit dinners – although one of these would definitely not go a miss. He'd do well out of it too, I reckon I'd reward him well, if you catch my drift. This however is pretty much likely to never happen and that's fine, I can live with that – just about!

It's the small romantic gestures that mean the most to me, the little things that show they are thinking about you. Like olbas oil on a tissue shoved in your face the moment you wake up – who says romance is dead? Okay that wasn't exactly romantic but it was quite sweet, I'd struggled to sleep all night as I couldn't breathe through my nose. So he came to my rescue… I did wonder for a moment when the tissue was shoved against my face whether he was trying to suffocate me. I was pleased to know that he wasn't.

One thing that I remember well was one evening he'd been to a gig in Birmingham and I had been to my friend's house. I agreed to go back to his afterwards and he gave me a key to let myself in. I didn't get back as late as I thought and was in need of a cup of tea. In the kitchen I found MY mug - (He bought it for me to keep at his as he thought his white ones weren't girlie enough for me…see cute.) with a biscuit in and 'I Luv u' wrote in pasta. I literally went awww out loud. It's probably one of the cutest things a guy has done for me. I'm easily pleased aren't I? When I went upstairs there was a bag hanging on the end of the bed, and a cute note on it – which I won't repeat as it was partly mushy partly rude. In the bag was a selection of little treats. Love hearts because he loves me etc.

It's things like that that I find the most romantic, the small unexpected little gestures. The ones that put a smile on your face and let you know that they are thinking about you. The little texts that come at exactly the right moment, with the words you need to get you through the day. It doesn't have to be huge bunches of flowers or romantic meals out.

Am I easily pleased? Or do you all think it's the little things too?

Birthdays

Birthdays

Birthdays change a lot with age, at least in my experience they do.

We go from being too young to really understand what's going on - first birthdays, sometimes even second birthdays. Then birthdays are exciting.

My eldest was 3 on his birthday and although he doesn't completely understand them he knows its about cake and presents and it's exciting. He gets excited about anyone's birthday and likes to join in the opening of presents. Often he talks about his birthday even though it was back in June, his monkey cake (that i made) gets the most mentions, he was definitely impressed with it.

 Then we reach an age where birthdays are just another day, it can still be exciting if you have someone to make a fuss of you but it's still not quite the same. You can't ignore the things you have to do with the day.

Today is my birthday my *coughs* 28th  birthday. It's just any other day. I woke up and had cuddles with my boys and told them 'its mummies birthday.' J asked if he could see my birthday and I wasn't sure what he meant. That is until his excitement to go downstairs, then the look of disappointment on his face followed by ' mummy where's your birthday?' I actually cried at his disappointment. On his birthday he came down to a pile of presents on the rug, balloons and banners and I think he was expecting the same for my birthday. I did have something to open, a little something from my sister and my mum and a few cards. Which the boys took great pleasure in handing to me and eagerly inspecting the bracelet and chocolates. Then it was time  to get on with nappy changing, breakfast making and washing the dishes. I've also since stripped the beds and put away my ironing and later I will be going to work. So it's pretty much just any other day.

Tonight I will be seeing S and I am looking forward to it a lot, we are not doing anything though probably just watching Eastenders or something. (We are going out for food when he's feeling better. ) I don't care I'm just looking forward to a cuddle and a happy birthday from him.

It's the  first birthday I've ever woke without another adult around. First parents and then A, both who would make a small fuss and hand me gifts or whatever. I'm not the kind of person who really cares about birthdays anyway, I don't feel the need to have big celebrations and as long as I get to spend it with someone I love it's fine. It is weird though. J has said happy birthday to me a few times and its very sweet, I didn't get the monkey cake with candles he told me he was going to make me though. Although I think at three he an be forgiven for not baking...

So birthdays as a adult...as a single mum are nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary, just any other day.

Starting preschool

J started preschool or nursery depending on what it's called in your area last week. I spoke to him about it lots in the weeks coming up to him starting. He would occasionally ask questions and seemed excited about going. However in the few days before he was due to start, he suddenly started to tell me that he didn't want to go. This sent me into a slight panic, but I kept reminding him of all the fun things he would get to do. 

His fear of going stemmed from using the toilet, he won't attempt to use the toilet alone unless there is a training seat on it. We have to lift him on, hold him and them lift him off. He seems scared and it's not something I want to push as I don't want to put him off going completely. 

His first day I took him, even though it's his dad that mostly takes him and collects him as I am at work. One of the first things he asked me when we arrived was to show him the 'big boys toilets.' I explained to his teacher his concerns and she told me they have a potty, so he's been using that. We have had once accident and one situation where he refused to get off the potty and stayed on their 20 minutes until A arrived to collect him. Other than this he seems to be enjoying it completely.

He got stuck right in painting on his first day, and then when I left half an hour later he was playing outside and couldn't care less that I was leaving. He has never been left with anyone before, other than his grandparents, my sister and my niece. He's very shy generally with new people, but he didn't seem fazed and has gone happily for the past week. 

For the past few evenings he has been telling me that he's done cooking, I highly doubted he had then when each day he said 'I've cooked an egg,' I was left confused. Turns out he's been pretending to cook eggs on the toy cooker. I have no idea what else he's been up to as that's all I've managed to get out of him.

Relief and happiness fills me, I would hate to think that he was upset being there. Or leaving him with tears would be horrible

I want to blog

I used to blog quite often and when I did I really enjoyed it. I used to write stories too, often I would spend an evening sat at my laptop writing something or other. Then life took over, big changes happened and writing took a back seat. I keep thinking I would like to get back into it but I have no idea where to start. 

So I guess this is the first step, it's not a masterpiece. It's not really anything but it is a start. A start of what I am not sure, I think I would like to get back into blogging but I'm not really sure what angle to take. Should I stick with a mummy blog and write about my children? Or should I just make it a bit more random and blog about anything in my life that I feel like talking about? Do people have any thoughts?

Maybe I will write this and then not write anything again for months, I should try and find the time. Set a little time aside to write something

New Relationship with Children!

Well first of all I haven't blogged in months, it's been so long since I blogged so no one will probably read anyway but I felt like I wanted to write something. I'd really like some feedback to.

As you are probably all aware me and the boys Dad broke up, mutual thing that had been brewing for years. I am now seeing someone else and we kept it a secret (well tried to) for around four months. I don’t feel I want to go into detail about either of these events, however it's now out in the open and it's opened up a lot more opportunities for us. We finally went out on our first proper date last week. Previously we have only been able to see each other at our houses. Either when neither of us had our children or when my children were asleep.

We've both met each other's children, we'd met them before we even got together as we've known each other for almost 4 years. He is my boss, just to add an extra level of complication to it all. This weekend we went out all 6 of us, and had a brilliant afternoon. The kids seem to get on really well even though his are 8 and 5 so older than mine. It was very cute watching them play together and with us. My kids seem to like him and I think his kids like me. They wanted to come to my house so I can't be all that bad.

We were met with the awkward situation of 8yo saying 'Daddy is L your girlfriend.' I could tell it threw S a bit and he said 'L is my friend yes and she is a girl.' Then he went on to say that I am like their Mummies friend. To which 8yo responded 'he's Mummies boyfriend.' It was all a little bit awkward, we wanted to leave it that we are just special friends in front of the kids. Try and keep it as un-confusing for them as possible, thing is kids don't miss much and these things don't escape them. We just hang out; we occasionally wrap an arm around each other but nothing too obvious in front of the children. We don't want to confuse them, or have it affect them but at the same time we want to be able to be able to show each other some affection. My children are obviously a lot younger but still I don't want them to be affected by it all. Both our children will always come first and we are trying to do everything right but sometimes it's hard to know what that is.

He only ever comes over when mine are in bed and if one of them wakes they never see him or know he is there. Even though it's normal that Mummy would have a friend over we want to keep it that way for now. It did feel wrong having him over when the kids were asleep upstairs and I know it bothered him a bit but it was the only way we could ever get any time together. So overtime we learnt to accept that it was the way it needed to be and we weren't hurting anyone.

We have had a couple of sleepovers – me going to his when our children are with the other parent. So no one is affected by this. One day though I know it's going to come to the point where I want him to be able to stay overnight even though my kids are here. I'll admit there have been times when we are all snuggled up and very sleepy that it would just be lovely to go to sleep together and not have him have to go home. I have no idea at all when the right time for this will be. Not yet of course, I want my kids to spend much more time with him/him and his kids before he is suddenly here when they wake up.  It needs to be sort of a natural progression, but how will I know then the time is right? Is it ever right to have a new partner sleep over when the kids are there?

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle new relationships when you have kids? It's happened a lot sooner than I could ever have imagined but with my children being so young it was inevitable that at some point in their lives I would meet someone. No one should have to remain single until their children are grown up. Would really like to hear people's opinions on this.

Head or heart?

Crunchy or smooth?
Tea or coffee?
Johnny Depp or George Clooney?
Head or heart?

It's a shame the last question isn't as easy as the rest. Head or heart? I'm sure we've all been met with the decision at some point in our lives and sometimes it's near impossible to figure it out.

Which do you follow when your heads screaming one thing and your heart something completely different? You've reached a fork in the road, the signposts aren't clear. All you know is each road will lead to opposite destinations, lead you towards two completely different lives. It's not clear which is the right road, they are both filled with bumps and pot holes. One says head, the other heart.

You want to believe your heart is right, but it's been wrong in the past. Your head is perhaps the more sensible road but what if sensible doesn't make you happy?

What if you don't even know what will make you happy? What if you're scared to put you first? If only life was black and white and not filled with giant expenses of grey. Big, looming, confusing areas of grey. If only being happy was as simple as it sounds. 

Life is complicated. Life is confusing and life is sure as hell a rollercoaster.

Some of you may know what this post is about, but it's not something I want to blog about. I just needed to write something to try and figure my thoughts out. It hasn't helped.

So head or heart? Which is right and why?  

Recap of 2011

One year has ended and another has started, its that time when a lot of people like to look back over the past year and then make resolutions for the new year. I'm not big on resolutions, I don't tend to really make proper ones. However I'm going to have a recap of the past twelve months. So here is is…

January
I spent January trying to adapt to being a Mummy of two, it was all still quite new and I was seriously sleep deprived. We did venture out though, for my sanity more than anything. I met a new friend this month; we'd exchanged a few messages through Netmums before I had Riley and then we arranged to meet up at soft play. We clicked instantly as did J and her little boy, and we've met up practically every week since. Some times during the summer two or three times a weeks. She's probably helped to keep me sane.

February
Again nothing big happened this month, just a normal month as a Mummy of two. I did spend a chunk of February trying to find a dress suitable for J's Christening. It's near impossible to find a pretty dress that is suitable for breastfeeding  and doesn't cost the earth – however H&M came to my rescue.

THE DRESS

March
The beginning of the month was spent making the last arrangements for the Christening. Then the last week of the month was jam packed and busy. One of my best friends came from Germany to stay with me for a week; she was to be God Mother to R. During the week we had the Christening, which was a bit of a disaster. The in laws didn't bother to turn up, R cried all day from the moment we got to the church until we got home. Which resulted in a completely pointless trip to A&E with him because he was completely out of sorts. We also attended two Westlife concerts and a Mcfly concert. I would like to add I only went to Mcfly because I'm a lovely friend and it was my friend's birthday and she loves them. 

April

It was A's birthday and our first real family day out, we took the children along with my friend and her boy to Twin lakes. It was gloriously sunny, unnaturally sunny for the time of year so it was perfect. It was brilliant to spend the day as a family and really treat J, who'd been a little star since his brother was born. 

May

We took our first holiday as a family of four, along with my parents to the West Coast of Ireland. It was beautiful – even if it was freezing and raining the entire two weeks. The extra hands were really helpful as J found the whole situation particularly strange and played up quite a lot because everything was so different to his usual routine. R also started army crawling.

                                               

June
Our baby turned two – I remember wondering where on earth the time had gone. We took him to the seaside for two days. Staying for our first night in a hotel as a family of four. We got a mixture of weather but did get to play on the beach something which we hadn't achieved when we went to Ireland. It was a brilliant couple of days and J was the centre of attention and got to do everything he wanted and completely enjoyed every minute of it.
We also started potty training.

July
We took our first trip out since potty training started and had no accidents – it was a triumphant moment.  I can't remember anything else of any significance happening this month so after a busy couple it was probably just a quiet one. Spent enjoying the last few weeks of my maternity leave, and making the most of every sunny day to take the kids out.

August
The big thing this month was my return to work. Three days a week, six hours a day – I got back into it surprisingly faster than I thought. I like where I work, I just wish I didn't have to. It's strange some days I don’t mind going to work, other days I'd rather not. I never dread going in, but if I know I'm not going to have much work I'd rather spend it at home with my children.

September                        
My baby walked… at just over 9.5 months old he was walking. It was a momentous moment and within a week he went from a few wobbly steps to walking everywhere.  Also at some point J started to talk, learning more and more words every day.

October
It was my birthday this month I was 21 again … I wish. I turned 27 and the husband arranged a babysitter and took my out for a meal. The first time we'd been out in a long time, we didn't stay out long but it was perfect. A couple of hours to be Lucy and Ant and not Mummy and Daddy.
I also went on a proper girls night out, the first time I have been out on the town drinking in a couple of years and it was one of the best nights out I've had in a long long time. I got to be me, I got to have fun, to get drunk and not worry about my children as they were safe at home with their daddy.
Westlife announced they were splitting up this month, an announcement that affected me more than I thought it would. It was also the month I spent an outrageous amount of money on tickets to see them in concert. Sixth row tiers, sixth row floor, third row floor, and front row. The most amazing tickets I have ever had.

I love how happy we look




November
My teeny baby turned one, not that he was like a baby still – he was already a toddler by then. I've been finding it hard to accept that he's not a baby anymore and even now I'm still trying to cling onto him being a baby even though in reality he isn't. For his birthday I made a train cake and I have to say it looked fab – especially as it was my first cake. We celebrated his birthday with a few friends at soft play, and then later my parents and sister came over for cake. Then the following day we took him to the sealife centre. It was a brilliant couple of family days.

December
Christmas! That’s about all that needs to be said – Christmas dominated the entire month. From the putting up of the decorations, to works parties to the big day itself. It's been an incredible Christmas,  Joshua understood so much this year and we managed to get him so excited that he was asking to go to bed not long after getting up so Santa would arrive earlier.
I've had a couple of weeks of over the Christmas period, and its been lovely – its just a shame it has been over shadowed by illnesses. Rotten colds first one then other that forced us to stay indoors. Just after everyone got over the colds sickness bugs hit, first J and we thought it was just him until a few days later when I caught it, followed by R catching it a few days later. It's only been this weekend that we all seem to be over all the germs. Two years running we've had illnesses at Christmas – I don’t want this to become tradition.