Stationary

I am starting my new course very soon, module one is sat in my inbox waiting for me to get started. This led me to dreaming about pretty new stationary. I do love a pretty notebook, I rarely buy them as they end up sitting around untouched or with only a few pages every used.

I ventured over to paperchase online for some inspiration – a very dangerous move because immediately I fell in love with a notebook. It's a linen cover, with beautiful butterflies adorning it. I have a slight addiction to butterflies.

It's a good job my purse was not within reaching distance as this notebook wasn't the only one I fell in love with. I almost tried to justify needing a cute mini notebook with an owl, a spiral bound notebook and the butterfly one. I could have a different notebook for every occasion. Of course I'd have added some pretty pens to my basket as well and before I know it I'd have spent a fortune.

Unfortunately I can't justify £10 + P&P for a pretty notebook. I am going to have to settle for a cheaper one from one of the supermarkets. Which ultimately will do the same thing, allow me to scribble down my thoughts and idea and thats what is most important.

Name Three Things

After posting yesterday I received a suggestion from @MsSBurns that joining some linky's might be a good way to get myself back into the habit of writing again. She then pointed me in the direction of The Mad Houseof Cats & Babies.

 

 

 

 

The theme this week is three songs that make you happy..

Bryan Adams – Summer of 69

Purely because it's one of my favourite ever songs, and takes me back to my teenage years where the only worry I had in life was having fun.

Olly Murs – Oh My Goodness

Guaranteed to make me smile. It reminds me of someone special and despite everything that has happened it still manages to put a smile on my face.

The Easy Way – Westlife

Westlife had to appear in here somewhere, they were part of my life for 14 years. I have made some amazing friends through them and they are still part of my life even now Westlife are no more. This song is light hearted and fun and makes me want to have a little dance. “Why don't we grow a tree?”

What are three songs that make you happy? Why not join in here.

New year, New...

…. Blah! I am not into that stuff this year. I would like to promise I will blog more, that I will do more crafts, that I’ll clean my house more. All of those things but I am not going to.

Life is a bit of a mess at the moment, but I spend most waking hours and most of my sleeping ones worrying, thinking and stressing about it so I don't want to blog about it as well.

This needs to be something more positive, I need things in my life that I do for ME. That I do because I enjoy them, because they distract me. I have just paid for an online writing course as a start to this. I love writing, or at least I used too. Life got in the way and I lost my passion for it but I want to get it back.

Writing my blog again would be a good start on my writing journey, but I feel lost as to what I should even blog about. Or if anyone would be interested in reading what I have to say anyway. My main focus was on my life and me children, but I don't think I want that to be the focus any more. If I even decide to write again.

At one point I was toying over the idea or attempting a beauty related blog. I am not the best girl around though so I am not sure if I would be that good at it. Wouldn't hurt to try some posts though I guess?

Does anyone care to read? It has been about 16 months since I last blogged. Does anyone have any idea of what areas I could explore?

Selling, renting, moving.....frustrating

Over the past couple of months I've learnt that not only is selling a house stressful its also incredibly frustrating.  

I had an offer on my house a week after it went on the market. I was shocked and happy, this happened back in the middle of June...two long months ago. The buyers then got cold feet, we did some more viewings and then they offered me ten grand less - my estate agent politely told them to buggar off. So eventually they agreed to honour the original offer. This happened back almost 5 weeks ago. ..5 weeks tomorrow in fact. Five weeks later and it feels like I am no closer to actually selling my house and moving.

I'm repeatedly being told that they've submitted a mortgage application but it seems nothing else has happened. No survey which I expected would have happened weeks ago. It's starting to feel like I'm being fobbed off, that something is wrong and I'm not being told. Not helped by the fact I have little   confidence in my buyers after they messed me around initially. I seriously hope they aren't wasting my time.

I put forward a completion date of 23rd of August which is rapidly approaching and will definitely pass with us still in this house. A date that should have been achievable. There is absolutely no chain, I'm moving into rented and they are first time buyers.

We get the keys to a gorgeous rental property two weeks today, a property which we need to pay for along with my current house. S will be moving in on the 22nd August and I have absolutely no idea when I will get to join him. I'm finding it hard to accept that I can actually go there whenever I want as its my house too and I won't just be a visitor. I'm worried that it'll feel that way, as it'll be filled with his and his kids stuff and they'll have made it home. They'll get to cuddle up on our new sofa and then go to bed. We will also have to come back here.  Then we'll be moving in somewhere that already feels like theirs. I know I'm being slightly irrational but I can't help it. We were meant to be moving together or at least very close. Now it feels like I'll be lucky if I'm in there before the end of September.

I started packing and I've packed all of my dining room, all motivation has gone now though and I've pretty much given up. I'm struggled to be excited, I know I should be. A new future and all that but  a part of me wants to give up, pretend I never started any of it.

I'm feeling disheartened and fed up. I'm chasing my estate agent every other day and being told the exact same thing. I wish it didn't all fall down to me to sort it all out..the ex couldn't give two hoots and has done nothing. Why would he? He's not paying the mortgage, he's move horseye in to his house. His life moved on, nothing was standing in his way. I guess I'm slightly envious of that, there always seems to be some obstacle standing in our way.

S is being brilliant though, remaining optimistic and helping where he can. Just as well he can remain optimistic because I'm struggling.  Naturally I'm a postitive person but the whole thing has zapped me off it. 

I just need to remember it'll be all worth it in the end...I get to live with the man I love. I just wish it was this month and not sometime in the distant future.

Dear four year old

Dear J,

You're four now, I can hardly believe it. The years seem to be zooming by, it doesn't feel two minutes ago that you were a tiny newborn snuggling in my arms. My precious little boy who I never wanted to put down. You're a long way from that baby now, you're a young boy. A handsome, sensitive little boy.

You still like your cuddles, we love to cuddle up in bed in the mornings or on the sofa before bed. 

You're a sensitive little sole, it doesn't take much to upset you. Because your sensitive though you consider other people's feeling too, especially your little brothers. Even though you fight like cat and dog it's clear you love him to bits. You never want him to miss out on anything and you take him under your wing.

You've adapted to the massive changes in our life amazingly...although at first you were wary of S you've grown to love him. You even like to cuddle up with him.

You are growing and learning everyday, one day you don't get something and the next it seems to click. You're latest obsession is telling the time and although you can't do it just yet you like to try. Mummy it's one to seven...meaning its five past seven. 

You start big school in September. You love preschool and race in everyday happy as can be so I've no doubt that you'll settle just as well in your new classroom in September. I just know you'll flourish, you're ready to go. A little sponge of information. 

You can write your name and mum with no help. Although you do get your s back to front.. I want to spend more time with you helping you learn your letters. We seem to have finally mastered regonising numbers 1-10. It was slow going but you got there, you always do. You've always done everything in your own time. Liking to wait until you know you can do it before committing to trying it.

I'm not always the most patience with you and I shout sometimes more than is necessary. I promise to try harder to keep my cool, I need to remember that you're still only small. You're still learning and testing the boundaries. Sometimes I expect to much from you but it's only because I know you are capable. You understand more than people give you credit for.

You (and your brother) are my main priority, no matter how life changes in the future you and your happiness will always come first.

Lots of lots,

Mummy xxx

The year so far

So we are what a month and a half into the year and already it's been more emotional and stressful than I would have liked.

January consisted of me making a huge decision about my life, which will effect me and the children quite a lot. I then decided my decision was too big and too scary and had a mini meltdown. Tears, sobs and snot...it wasn't pleasant or attractive. Luckily S handled it all very well...I guess he passed some sort of test there. So since major decision making I've kind of ignored it again, it's always there lingering in my mind and I know I need to start doing things to make it happen but for now I'm leaving it at the back of my mind. Taking it slow and allowing myself time to come to terms with it all.

February left me feeling hurt, upset, angry, pissed off and unable to trust. A mixture of all these emotions which ended in me getting drunk and crying. I seem to be making a habit of crying this year. I cried on my friend in the play cafe, I cried on S in asda, cried on S numerous times at my house and then cried at his party. It's not good or pretty and it's not how I want to be. I'm strong and I can cope but this year it's all got to me.

It hasn't all been stressful and full of tears though. There has also been illnesses all round and bad news. Mixed in with all this though there has been lots of brilliant times, laughter, fun, cuddles and loveliness. Being with my two (tantrums aside), S and his children make all the rubbish more bearable. The cuddles, the kisses and the I love you's never fail to put a smile on my face, no matter what else is going on. If any of the people I love wrap their arms around me and tells me they love me it puts everything else into perspective.

January Joy

We are already a week into February so I am a bit late getting this post written, but we began this month with a house full of illness which everyone hasn’t completely recovered from yet.

I didn’t manage as many from the list as I hoped I would, probably because I spent a large chunk of January stressed and emotional.

Anyway this is what I have achieved…

Make some resolutions
I'm not very big on New Years resolutions, I figure if we want to change we should be able to do it at any point in the year. I have however decided there are a few things I want to do this year.
1. Remove of makeup each night, I am completely rubbish at taking my makeup off and more often than not sleep with my makeup. Which is not only bad for my skin but bad for my white bedding. So I'm going to make an effort to remove it each night.
2. Start to sort out my seemingly impossible house situation. I'm under no illusions that it will be sorted in 2013 but I need to begin looking into it, making decisions and taking some action. Until it is sorted I am unable to get a divorce and while the house is hanging over my head I can't completely move on with my life


Have a dry week/Month
A month used to be easy to manage, but I seem to drink the odd glass of wine much more frequently that I used to. Probably because I have someone to share a bottle with. I however did manage a dry week at the very beginning of the month.


Plan or go on a date
We have date nights every other Friday but they've not really worked out so far this year. So we have set a date this month to go out for a meal, we don't do this very often so I am looking forward to it a lot.


Take a crisp winter walk
New Year's Day, S, my kids and me headed to Draycote water for a walk. I'm not sure you can class the very short distance we went a walk, however we played with bubbles and had fun. Later the same day the four of us wrapped up and took a walk to the park.

Overhaul your skin care
This was partly my New Years resolution anyway. I have been using body shop 
vitamin E cleanser alternated with some cheap face wipes, because I can't afford to use the body shop cleanser permanently. Also using the vitamin E moisturiser which I absolutely love, it's brilliant and not greasy like some I have used in the past.


Plan a getaway
When we returned from our family holiday last year the ex suggested we both have the kids for a week this year allowing the other person a chance to get away or just have a break. So of course I'd have been rude not to snap up this opportunity. The first chance we got S and I headed to the travel agent and booked ourselves an all-inclusive trip to Tunisia in June. For both of us the last holiday like that with no children was our honeymoons, so for him an incredibly long time ago. We both may be just a tad excited.

Go to the cinema
On the 5th I joined S and his kids on their trip to the cinema. We watched Madagascar 3. I love the Saturday morning kids films for £1, it's a shame you have to take a child along to be allowed in. I'm a cheap date me.


Read a new book
This is an easy one for me as I am always reading. I have actually read four new books.


Get a haircut or try a wash in colour
I really wanted to go for a haircut as I haven’t had one in nearly a year… how bad is that? It never panned out and lack of time and funds had me reaching for a home hair dye instead. I chose a dark brown and I love it, however its fading out far to quickly.


Have a clear out
I cleared all the baby clothes out of my loft, was a bit emotional but it needed to be done. Some of them have been up their almost two years. My niece took a bagful and the rest I took down to cash for clothes and got almost a tenner it for. Following on from my sort out of baby clothes, S came over and we spent a couple of hours having a major toy sort out. I think I got rid of roughly 40-50% of their toys. Wasn't an easy task but I was completely ruthless. My lounge and their bedroom look much better for it and they still have loads of toys. Toys which they actually seem to play with a bit more now.

Do something/go somewhere you've never been
I tried out a new cafe in town. It is called the play cafe and is designed around mums with small children. It was brilliant. Reasonably priced, clean perfect for the children. Me and my friend got to enjoy a coffee and a chat while the children played. There was dressing up clothes, a toy kitchen, all sorts. None of them wanted to leave.

I also made my first ever roast dinner which was a success and went sledging for the first time


Make something naughty to eat
While the kids were with their dad and it was too cold and snowy to want to leave my house I baked some chocolate orange cupcakes. They were delicious and gone almost instantly.

Re-evaluate 
Half way through the month everyone got a bit to much more me and I ended up having some sort of meltdown at 11pm and crying all over S, then waking the next morning and continuing to cry. S didn’t know what had come over me and if I'm honest I don’t know where it came from either. A build-up of everything over the past year and it all just got to me probably. I've decided I need to put less pressure on myself and take things slowly. Make sure the decisions I am making are right for me and my boys, not only thst make sure the timings are right. I will get where I need to be, but I need to realise it doesn't have to be right this instant. When the time comes I know I will have the support I need.7 So what did January Joy teach me? I guess that you can achieve more than you think in a month if you just put your mind to it. Small steps, small achievements can make you feel as good as the big ones. I'm going to try and continue with the same attitude for the rest of the year…wonder how I will get on. 

x